uterus

page updated: 30-Mar-2004

My relationship with my uterus is not altogether positive. Quite often it gives me a pain and I want to remove it. Beyond just menstrual cramps, it does all kinds of weird things. The thing is, I never notice it unless it is somehow active, being that it is an internal organ, and it doesn't have any purely pleasant/non-uncomfortable activities that I can think of. Mainly it can contract in various ways.

After orgasms, it kind of spasms and feels fluttery and slightly unsettled. Also after boy sex it will sometimes shift, like it has been moved out of place and is settling back down where it normally lives. Once it developed hardcore cramps right after sex, that lasted about 10 minutes and then went away. This was strange to me, because I'd just had a lovely orgasm and would have thought that it would be relaxing.

Before I start bleeding, I will often have kind of dull aches in my uterus, as it warms up to bleed. Then of course there are full-on menstrual cramps. Those are the pains that usually make me want to get rid of my uterus. It will also sometimes feel very heavy during the beginning of my period, and sometimes very big or bloated. The uterus itself probably isn't swelling up, but I attribute the symptoms to it.

My uterus can affect other organs in my abdomen with all its bashing around squeezing out blood. If I have cramps I always have to pee more frequently, like my uterus has swollen up and taken up all the available abdominal space. Sometimes I also end up kind of gassy, which makes me think my uterus has been bonking against my bowels causing unrest. These things are probably not related to each other in the way that I envision, but it is a funny scenario to think about.

My relationship with my uterus is not entirely realistic. Of all my vagina-related body parts, I probably make up the most stuff about my uterus and make it talk and yell at it and pat it and generally carry on with it the most. I think this is because it is invisible to me, and easy to have a made-up relationship with. All I know about it are its activities, so it seems like an active thing. It's a quick step to sentient being :)

I make my uterus talk when I have cramps (in a growly voice), and say it is beating me up. It gets characterised as mean-spirited. During pre-cramps I make fun of it warming up (Jane Fonda style). As well during these times, I sometimes sympathise with my uterus and rub my belly soothingly to try and calm it down. Sometimes this makes me feel a little better (light massage on muscle spasms, it isn't entirely in my head). When it feels heavy I hold my belly with my hands to support it.

I used to make my vagina sing in a heavy metal voice, but lately the voice has been attributed to my uterus because "my uterus is so much more hardcore anyway." (?) It sings through my vagina like yelling into a space tunnel. Mostly it just yells ("Yaaaa!" "Rrrraaaah!" "wrrrooooaaaaah!" "eeninini!"), but sometimes it makes situational comments. This is only ever as playing.... I'm not a dork... Since the metal queen voice got the space tunnel echo it is way more funny.

One last thing, so as not to end with the metal voice section... I am quite highly aware of the baby-carrying capacity of my uterus. Every now and then I get really bizarre maternal instinct pangs. (Want baby!) When I thought I might have been pregnant I was having both "bad timing!" freak-outs and irrational "man, babies are so great... I should have a baby... It'd be all small and made out of me..." thoughts that freaked me out equally as much. Seeing people with babies or, especially, in a pregnant state can also induce this in me. It's kind of funny, really. Intellectually I'm right on top of my family planning, but sometimes body just wants a baby.

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